The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
