you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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