The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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