We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
