You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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