Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
