Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
