Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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