just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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