Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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