he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
