i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
