I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
