I can text with my tongue
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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