I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
