Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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