R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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