I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
