paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was born a porn star she said
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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