i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
