I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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