The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just cropdusted the office
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
