i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
