Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
