eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
