I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
