im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
