I just made out with a guy for $7.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
