Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
