He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
