i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
