I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
