im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
