There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
