I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I didn't notice because vodka
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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