We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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