I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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