Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize