my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
