i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
