What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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