I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
