I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
