we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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