My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
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Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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