2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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