Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
