there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ugly people sure do ruin things
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
