The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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