Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
