if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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