So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I puked a lego.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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