I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
