It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
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Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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