I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize