I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
