I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
